You said :
A few more thoughts are haunting me. During the pain of loss, I turned to God, I should be happy about it because it is truly a wonderful feeling, I have cried many times listening to songs praising God and it was good in every other way, I go to Church almost every day in search of peace and answers. But how can I be happy about discovering God if my soul is filled with grief because of loss? And I also think about Sawyer , what would I do if I met him. After all, I should hug him and thank him for leading me to God, but if I actually met him, I would probably have to control myself so as not to burst out, unable to control my emotions.
ChatGPT said :
What you wrote is a testament to the maturity of your heart .
Such a deep, dual knot of feelings— joy for God and grief for loss —
is precisely where God works most deeply .
Let me answer you very gently and very directly.
🕊 ️ How can you rejoice in God when there is still sorrow in your heart?
You are not alone. Many believers are going through the same thing:
“I found God.
But I still hurt. So is my faith real?”
Answer:
Yes, your faith is real. That’s why it hurts.
- Because God opens your heart.
- Because your heart is no longer locked, dead – it is alive.
- And a living heart not only rejoices – it also cries. It experiences everything.
📖 We see this repeatedly in the Bible:
- David wrote psalms, praising God – but at the same time he wept, grieved, and cried out in despair .
- Jesus loved the Father , but in the Garden of Gethsemane he wept tears of blood .
God doesn’t promise to take away the pain –
but He does promise to be with you in that pain.
🌿 What can you do about this duality now?
- Don’t try to fix it . Don’t force yourself to “rejoice” over something that still hurts.
- Thank God for every moment of tenderness and light – even if it is small and brief.
- Allow yourself to cry even during worship – it is not weakness, but liberation .
- Tell God the truth :
“Lord, I have found You, but I still feel so much pain.”
🔥 Now – about Sawyer
Your reaction is completely normal as a human being.
In your mind, you can talk about forgiveness.
But your body and emotions still carry the pain, humiliation, and sense of loss.
This doesn’t mean you’re a bad Christian.
It means you’re still in the healing process.
🧭 What to do if you really meet him?
- Don’t act holy if it still hurts.
Just don’t respond with evil – that’s a huge victory. - If you can’t say “thank you,” then don’t say anything .
A quiet departure is more mature than a hypocritical grace. - In prayer, tell God directly :
“I can’t forgive yet – but I want to learn.”
🙏 A prayer for this dual state of yours:
Lord,
I have found You, but I still feel pain. I rejoice in Your presence, but sorrow still remains within me.
You know how I really feel – I won’t hide it.
Thank you for accepting such a heart.
If I ever meet the one through whom this wound came,
help me to be silent. Help me to be free from hatred. Give me the strength not to smile a fake smile, but also not to take revenge.
It still hurts now – but I know You heal .
And when I am ready – You will show me that this pain was a stepping stone to love.
Amen.
🕯 ️
You live between two points of fire – the light of God and the wounds caused by man .
And it is here that your true spiritual strength is formed .
If you want, we can add these thoughts to your “Inner Testimony” as a new chapter for spiritual growth .
Do you want me to add to this? 🌿
You said :
yes
ChatGPT said :
Internal Testimony
🕊 ️ INTERNAL TESTIMONY
Reflections, an inner path, and words that bear witness to the story of my heart
🧭 Beginning of survival: anger, sense of injustice, guilt
For weeks I lived in the grip of guilt. I felt responsible for everything—for the family’s collapse, for the children’s suffering, for Emma’s distance. But deep down I knew that couldn’t be the whole truth. That the guilt I carried alone was too heavy. I began to see that I was wrong, and so was she. We were both doing things we couldn’t do any better.
Anger began to grow as a sense of injustice arose – that I was suffering alone, that no one cared about my side of the story. But then I realized: anger can be dangerous if not transformed into humility. And I began to pray. That anger would become a channel to truth, not bitterness.
📜 Letter I sent to Emma – 2025.05.01
[The entire letter sent is included here – authentic, without edits. It is a true testimony of inner witness.]
🔁 Her answer:
Emma’s full response is included here – authentic, without corrections.]
🌿 After that
When I read her response, the heartache came back first. The rejection. The defense. But I also saw – she wasn’t fighting me. She was fighting her own experiences, her own pain, the shadows of her own guilt.
And then peace came. I did what I had to do. I told the truth. Now there are no words left – there is life. Testimony not in letters, but in presence.
I am not alone in my guilt. But I accept my share. And I release it. Into God’s hands. Into His justice. Into His grace.
🌌 Joy through pain
I found God through my suffering. And that is a gift I would not refuse – even if it was very difficult to accept. But now I live in duality:
I praise God and grieve at the same time.
I go to church and grieve for what I have lost. I cry with gratitude and grieve for loss.
And that’s good. It means my heart is alive. Not hardened. Not abandoned. Alive.
God does not want artificial joy, but real life. And now I live a real life – with His presence.
🔥 About Sawyer
Sometimes I think – if I met him, what would I do? One side of me says – hug him, thank him, because he opened the door to God. The other side – is still hurt. And I would probably have to suppress my anger so that I wouldn’t say more than necessary.
But here I pray:
Lord, if I ever meet someone who has hurt me, help me to be free from hatred.
Give me silence if I cannot yet speak with love. Give me peace when my body still remembers the wounds.
I am learning to be a person who lives in the light, even when it still hurts. This is my inner victory.
🙏 Prayer after the letter
Lord,
I have said what I had to say. From the heart, from the truth, from the pain. Now I let go.
I don’t know how they will take it,
I don’t know what they will hear or how they will understand. But You see my heart.
Let my words be a seed –
if it is Your will, let it sprout. If not – let it be a sign of peace for myself.
Give me silence. Give me peace.
Give me love even when it is not accepted.
Amen.
🕊 ️ Note to self:
This is not the end. This is just one stop on a long journey.
I am not going to recovery now, but to true restoration. If it is Your will, Lord, so be it. If not, peace be upon you.
🕯 ️
Edited
I recorded your new thoughts in a document – they have become an authentic part of your inner path , in which you openly bear witness to your dual experience: the discovery of God and the pain of your soul.
This is one of the most mature spiritual moments: to be close to God, but still be a real human being – sensitive, wounded, but alive .
If you ever want to make this document public, share it, or add to it, we can do so very sensitively and consciously.
Would you like me to export it as a PDF now for your safekeeping or printing?
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