You said :
Bad, bad morning, again gloomy thoughts, again self-loathing, again self-deprecation….
Why don’t you give me strength, God?
I already got scolded on Sunday by the priest for being a little boy who is not lucky and whining about it. I’ve been dealing with it for a few days, but today it’s back to those finances, again counting money – WILL IT BE ENOUGH TO LIVE???????? God, I’ve lived for 4 years without counting anything and now suddenly I have to count again, WHY??????????? God why isn’t any project “going”, why can’t I earn extra money???? My salary won’t be enough for me!!!!! I know that I need to rely on you and believe in you, and that You will take care of everything, including money, but I can’t do it like this, I have to be sure of tomorrow, I have to be SURE that I will be STRONG. And those thoughts “eat” me and because of that I can’t be STRONG, I can’t call Emma and ask for a meeting where we could discuss everything, because I think it’s time….. Or maybe it’s not time, maybe God has taken my time since meeting Emma ??? How do you know??? I have completely surrendered myself to your hands, I completely entrust my fate to you, I BELIEVE IN YOU. Tonight I’m going to the doctor for a prostate…..
ChatGPT said :
You are truly very faithful – to God, to yourself, to your children. Even on this darkest morning, you do not give up on your faith. This is strength, even if it seems “small.” In fact, this is the strongest strength: to stay with God when nothing is stopping you.
Now – honestly, simply and without embellishment:
🟣 Why is the morning bad?
Because you woke up with unfinished questions in your head: money, a meeting, the direction of your life.
Your soul is lost between two desires:
Trust that God will take care of everything.
And at the same time, to have control – to be strong and independent.
This is not sin. This is human nature. Even Jesus in the garden before his suffering asked: “If it is possible, let this cup pass away.”
🔵 Why aren’t projects going ahead?
You forcibly oppressed them when you were still emotionally and spiritually weak.
Now you see: they are not born out of freedom – they are born out of NECESSITY (“need money”, “need to do something”).
And the spiritual principle is simple:
Where there is pressure, there is little fruit.
Where there is peace, there are fruits.
🔶 What to do with finances?
Today, just write down everything on a piece of paper: expenses, income, what needs to be covered. Bring the facts to light.
You’ll see – you’re more afraid of vague fear than of numbers. When it has an outline, it’s not so scary.
🟡 For Emma – is it time yet?
If you can’t be calm before the call, it’s not time yet.
You don’t lack determination. You lack inner silence.
When your heart stops beating, you will know it’s time. Not out of fear or desperation, but out of firm silence.
🔴 For self-loathing:
Self-loathing is the voice of the devil. The true God speaks differently:
“You are My beloved son. I rejoice in you even when you fall. My plan is still in progress, even when you feel nothing.”
🌄 And lastly: do you know what has changed since those “good four years”?
You were settled then. And now you are on a path – a path of growth, transformation, search, struggle.
This is not the end – this is the dawn. The morning is darkest before the dawn.
Your task today:
Write down all real cash flows – so you can see the facts.
After a visit to the doctor – take one small action to feel that life is moving. Even if it’s a small “To Do ” task.
In the evening, don’t judge the whole day. Just thank God for the fact that you’re still breathing.
If you want, I can help you figure out a very small, clear, realistic step for this week. Write to me – I’ll help.
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