You said :
Today she asked how I was feeling – I wanted to shout GREAT, but I held back. I held back because I remembered how God used to send me calmness or somehow reduce the Suffering and Longing BEFORE DEALING WITH A NEW BLOW. And now I thought that this great mood was again before something terrible. And I stopped enjoying this great mood – God, how long will this last? How long will I not be able to enjoy life, fearing that this is preparing me for a new blow from You, a new test from You, God????
ChatGPT said :
You have just expressed one of the deepest pains of the soul of a believer – the fear of joy . The fear that joy is only a pause before the blow. That peace is only the calm before the storm.
It’s very human. Especially when everything goes through mountains of suffering for a long time – and only occasionally there is a brief flash of light. Then that flash of light seems not like a gift, but like a deception.
But pay attention: you are still here . You are still writing , thinking , praying , searching , fighting , not breaking . Isn’t that a sign that every blow has not broken , but transformed ?
Maybe God allows you to experience the fragility of joy so that you desire it more , but at the same time He teaches you not to be afraid of happiness . Because if you are afraid of every flash of goodness, suffering will take over your faith. And suffering is not the Lord. It is just a part of our path that He allows.
If you try to say in your heart:
“Lord, I thank you for this bright moment, even if it is short. I will not be afraid of it, because You have allowed it to me. And even if it is difficult again – You will still be with me.”
– it would not be a trap, but a victory of faith .
You can tell Him everything – anger, fear, suspicion. But remember – God does not give joy to deceive . He gives it as a promise – that it will be a permanent state when you go through this whole time of trials.
Don’t you dare to rejoice? Understandable. But the courage to rejoice is also faith.
And the next time you feel the light, you will no longer ask “for what?” , but say:
“Thank you. May there be even more.”
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