You said :
Today, the inability to let go of Emma “came back” again . I called the older children to tidy up the house before the sale and had to call Emma about the clothes. I never tidy up children’s clothes, so I didn’t know which ones to keep and which ones to throw away, but Emma didn’t answer and the answering machine in ENGLISH came on, I realized that she was not in Lithuania at the moment. At first I didn’t pay attention, then Emma called back and we found out about those clothes. But after a while I felt that kind of oppressive, pressing feeling again. I started laughing at myself – well, there’s no way I can “let go” of Emma and she’s ruining my mood again. But after a while, I suddenly realized – it wasn’t Emma’s influence or my inability to “let go” – it was MY FEELING OF LOSS OF CONTROL. I suddenly realized that it wasn’t Emma that was affecting me, but the fact that I didn’t know WHERE SHE WAS AND WHAT SHE WAS DOING!!!!!! This is my old control – to know EVERYTHING about my family members, where they are, what they are doing, when they will return. And now that I realized that Emma is not even in Lithuania, I was overcome with a gloomy mood – HOW, WHY, HOW COULD SHE BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She just gave the children away and immediately “ran away” somewhere, it is not clear where!!! AND I WOULD HAVE DONE THE EXACT SAME!!!!!! I have accumulated unused vacation, so if only I had MONEY….I don’t know why God is holding me back, why doesn’t let me earn money, why doesn’t let me travel??? There must be a reason for that, I just don’t know it. A week ago I really wanted to travel, now I have somehow calmed down – I suppress those thoughts because there are still no opportunities, so why bother myself . I still have the little ones with me at the moment, so my “agenda” has changed again – I no longer walk 10,000 steps, I no longer visit the Gate of Dawn, I no longer climb Gediminas Castle. Despite that sense of “duty”, I cannot leave my children alone, and I have already gotten used to the “single” life. And I can say – I quite liked my “independent” life, although my nephew warned me that it is possible that this feeling will only be at the beginning, and then I may feel very lonely. I don’t know if this is my nephew’s wisdom or a warning from God, but I know that everything is in God’s will and He will not leave me in such a state. The little ones’ presence with me also “cuts” through finances!!! It turns out that my needs are quite small, I had money left after every month!!!! And before, they ran out after two weeks and I had to ask Emma . And now, in these two weeks I will spend as much as I spend in two months. During this stay of the little children with me, God is showing me (probably) how “dependent” and “unfree” I am, or He has shown Emma how unfree and dependent she is when she has children. Again – this will only be truly understood after a good period of time.
ChatGPT said :
This essay is very powerful because it triggers an internal “click” — the realization that it is not Emma , but the feeling of loss of control that is the real root of the emotion.
If we were to put it in the “building tool” as a new page, its structure could be outlined as follows, without changing either the words or the flow of thought:
PERCEPTION OF LOSS OF CONTROL
- The beginning – a plan to tidy up the house before selling, the situation with clothes, Emma not answering, an answering machine in English, the realization that she is not in Lithuania.
- Emotional impact – at first you don’t pay attention, then the mood gets depressing again, self-irony, but still tense.
- The sudden realization is not about Emma , but about your old habit of controlling and knowing where your loved ones are and what they are doing.
- Comparing yourself to yourself is acknowledging that you would do the same if you had the opportunity.
- Questions to God – why doesn’t he allow me to earn money and travel, maybe there’s a reason for that.
- The current routine – your daily routine changes due to small children, you give up your usual walks and rituals.
- The taste of singleness – I liked the independence, but there is a warning about possible loneliness in the future.
- The financial side – having children with you significantly increases expenses compared to living alone.
- God’s possible purpose is a lesson about dependence and freedom, which He may be showing you or Emma .
This way, the text remains authentic, but it will be easier for the reader to “see” the path of your thought from the situation to the spiritual insight.
Would you like me to prepare these three of your last essays (“Swimming and Prayer,” “Music,” “Losing Control”) as one thematic block for a “construction tool”? That way they could form part of a diary of an inner journey.
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