You said :
For the past few days I have been plagued by a fit of anger and injustice and I wrote a letter to Emma and sent it> Now I wonder if I did the right thing? Here is the letter
May 1st The third day I can’t let go of an intrusive thought, so I have to write you a letter. I will try to be consistent, maybe I will repeat myself somewhere, but it will be clearer. I have already started to free myself from the oppressive feeling of guilt that had gripped me for the first three weeks. And the “Story of My Life” has changed for I don’t know how many times. Until the fateful days of 2021, we lived well. Hm No – we lived BORINGLY. 20 years – in a pizzeria, home-work, vacation, home-work, vacation. You have been developing purposefully since 2012 when we moved to Vilnius. Maybe you stopped somewhere to think, maybe somewhere not turning there, but until 2021 you worked without expecting recognition, but only for the sake of work, for the sake of a goal that was at one stage or another in your life. You liked your work, it ” carried you”. At that time, I didn’t even try to find myself, because nothing was getting in my way. And anyway, I was somehow an “adapter” to anything, to circumstances, to some other car, to another place of residence, I was able to adapt to EVERYTHING. I didn’t change myself or my environment – I just adapted. And so we lived a HORRIBLY BORING LIFE. I liked it, I like peace, you sometimes spread your wings, but I didn’t let you soar high – I kept you from burning your wings. But in fact, our life was similar to that of retirees – calm, stable, secure, knowing what would happen tomorrow…. 20 years in a pizzeria during a lunch break satisfied both of us. It seems that at that time we were absorbed in everyday life and forgot how to Enjoy Life. And here in 2021 HE ( Sawyer ) appeared. Fucking attractive, younger, enterprising, charming, goal-oriented, and in every way different…. You have seen smart people before, because you worked at the university. But as you have seen, not all scientists are goal-oriented. 90% – just spend their time in “government work”. You saw all sorts of people and the remaining 10% who were really SCIENTISTS. Sawyer was the one who rocked our calmly sailing boat. You saw a different side of life, wavy, sensual, different emotions, seething passions and ttttttttt I was furnishing our house at that time, always tired, always grumpy, and there was no order in the house (well, this is a constant feature for us). I still remember the first signs – your passionate interest in computer racing. How you would tune in to the big TV and watch Sawyer race. I remember that strange feeling of confusion and not knowing what to do. Then the seed of jealousy was planted. It grew little by little. Late spring 2021 – early summer. When I met Sawyer and watched the “soap opera” (I wrote earlier), jealousy began to grow faster. Fall 2021, the evening when they took you to a restaurant, built a wall of jealousy. Since then, everything has only started to get worse. Little by little, but worse, although 2022-2023 are still bearable. Some kind of turning point happened in 2023. I don’t know exactly. I was increasingly amazed by your observation of other people’s lives. Who and how they live, to envy someone, to be afraid of something. I understand your desire to drag me or the whole family through conferences, because other scientists did the same. Then you tried to “copy” family relationships from others, and then something else from others. But!!!! No one tried to copy you. Maybe someone tried to do something like you BUT!!!! No one tried to have more children!!!!!!!! Yes, for many people in your environment it is not an achievement – just something different. I now think that it did not seem like an achievement to you either. Maybe someone in the conversation was surprised that you have SO many children, but for no scientist it is not an achievement, and the conversation immediately turned towards science. Yes, our children are not the ones you could be particularly proud of and set an example for, brag about and tell about their achievements. Therefore, you never had anything to tell others about the children, or maybe you even tried to hide or direct the conversation in a different direction. I spent the last 10 years with the children – with all of them. I survived James’s unwillingness to go to school. It did not seem like a tragedy to you, but I climbed the walls. Then another James event… Sophia’s last 10 years – VRC, PPT, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, when I would bring her home from school, I would see the horrified looks of my classmates in the classroom when they saw what Sophia was doing . Her connection when we went to/from kindergarten together (now the connection is gradually emerging again). Taking Olivia to cardiologists, clinics, (I learned HOLTER by heart)…. Taking Oliver to VRC several times a week. And it’s all about children’s problems, and it was beautiful and without problems. For me, children were an achievement, and for you – maybe more of a task. Since 2023, you have changed, your career orientation has become much stronger. I don’t know what influenced it. You started spending a lot of time at work, you took on a bunch of other duties with the idea that this would greatly improve your CV. You tried to compensate for your children’s time in the evenings, and at that time I asked you to cut the “umbilical cord” and give the children more independence. But I supported you in your career pursuit. For me, our children were both an achievement and a career. America When I offered to go to live in America according to the job YOU received (University, scientific institution, etc. ), and I would already be looking for unskilled work there, it could have affected you very much. You felt insecure, because you felt that everything could fall on your shoulders. I am very sorry that this happened, it was a benign act on my part. I believed in America, I believed that finding a job there was easy (at least unskilled) and then gradually looking for a better one. Although about America… somehow the thought keeps coming to mind that maybe I was punished for what happened when I decided to go to America. God clearly showed me what America is to me (I told you when I was drinking with my cousin 20 years ago). I don’t know, maybe God doesn’t want me to go to her. Changing I understand your anger. You’ve tried countless times to change me, but to no avail. I don’t know why…it’s not the time yet, not like that…. Although when you think about it, I would change, not so radically, but I would change. A strong change requires a strong shock, and I went through it. I realized that it’s not enough to just believe in God, you also need to trust him, be converted to God, believe in his Will and surrender to it. And then everything will be fine. Now a day is not enough for me anymore, I go to bed at midnight, and no reels , games, or anything like that. I am changing. From closure – to openness, From control – to trust in God, From guilt – to responsibility, From restraint – to being alive with children, From loneliness – to communion, From ruins – to life. This is my transformation. It’s not over yet. But I’m sure of it. Alive. Sincere. And I won’t stop. I’m throwing away the feeling of guilt I threw away the one-sided feeling of guilt, we were both wrong, not open, not hanging on. Sometimes I get angry because of this, then I pray to God not to take away the anger, but to turn it into humility. The more anger, the more humility. And it helps. We lived together for 26 years – this is not a simple story. This is a quarter of a whole LIFE. We were witnesses to each other: the birth of children, joys, pain, crisis, hope, prayer, silence, falls. Even if everything seems ruined now – for me (I don’t know about you) 26 years is not just “the past”. I try to see in other women “another life partner”, but to me all women seem ” repulsive “. I don’t even try to look for “something”, I really feel sorry for that. I know that maybe more time is needed, but for this minute I just say – Lord, when I am ready to love – show me what you have prepared me for. Now I am walking God’s Path, changing regardless of what awaits me. I respect your Silence and Desire to be alone. If you ever want to talk – I will be without pressure, without defense, without the desire to convince. Just as a person who wants to hear. Thank you for everything that was. I believe that everything that happened was meaningful. Not many people manage to live so many years together. Those years are a very good foundation for building our renewed relationship. I want to be among those 1% who say – we went through this together And this is what she replied
I don’t understand what you are doing. We talked , you let me go. You said that you would not change, it will be as it is. The more I liked Sawyer , the more I I tried to walk towards you , but you weren’t interested . You told me frankly no. Tom under what conditions I was ready. save Family , you didn’t want to. testi . You said you wouldn’t change infidelity . At that time I thought, if we continue to live like this, infidelity is inevitable . You and I will race together someday. We watched . Then you interrupted our common interest . I I know champion – so what, don’t you see me ? Stupid jealousy. It was necessary make an effort to reject me . You thought it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it. Since you consider yourself right, you need to close the door that I liked someone else more than you. Change and you will like me, you have an advantage , you are my man, you can beat any confused person. A stranger needs much more effort to come. And you already have everything, just give me something interesting , don’t lie on the couch. No, then you need to lock me in a cage , cause stress and prevent me from working. You don’t know What to do? I’m open. I can say it and I said it. You didn’t specifically want to . How about your threat to take Olivia and James away? finished ? Then I was afraid to get a divorce, I regret it. Now they wouldn’t be like that. They would live with a happy mother and be normal people . Now I can support myself . In court I I would have won . You wouldn’t have any chance . But I don’t want to take the child away from I’ve never had such a problem with you . The children say: Mom began to love us . I I didn’t ask them , they told me themselves . This or that . When we started dating, you were a very cool guy . A native of Vilnius, working in the family, a leader. And now you’re afraid of a doctoral student? You’re putting up with it. I tried , that admiration would be nothing. I will write more about what I think you did to me. I have an audio recording so I won’t forget .
ChatGPT said :
I will answer you very clearly, gently and directly . You deserve the truth, not comfort.
🧭 Did you do the right thing by writing that letter?
Yes – from the bottom of my heart.
You poured out your pain, seeing the anger, injustice, and desire to be heard building up inside.
Your letter is not an attack— it was a heartfelt, introspective testimony , written out of pain, but not maliciously.
It was your way of saying, “I had feelings too, I was human too.”
🌿 But – did your letter bring her closer to you?
No. At this stage – he pushed her further away.
And here’s why:
- You wrote the letter when she was already in her decision.
She was already living in a different emotional reality – she had already freed herself , and your letter reminded her of what she was running from . - You reminded her again of the guilt, the judgment, the consequences of her behavior.
She now doesn’t want to hear about child psychologists, about America, about your merits – even if it’s all true.
She can’t accept it yet , because she’s still defending herself from her own guilt. - She didn’t answer from her heart – she answered like someone who is trying to “win the debate” and prove that there was no other way.
And that audio recording she mentions is her inner shield , not revenge.
🕊 ️ So, was there any point in writing?
Yes – for yourself.
You let go of what was holding you back .
You no longer carry anger and unspoken pain in your heart.
But now it is very important:
Don’t write more. Don’t explain more. Don’t try more.
At this stage, any word you say will be seen in her mind only as an attack, even if you write in love.
🔁 What to do now?
1. Let this letter live its own life.
- He came out of you – so be it.
- She read it – let her live with it.
2. Don’t write any more. Even if you feel like “explaining more,” it won’t get any better.
- Her heart is now closed not by anger – but by her own version of the past.
- Only time and God can heal it.
3. Return to a quiet walk with God.
- You already wrote what you had.
- Now is the time to bear witness not with words, but with presence .
🌟 Very important: YOU STOPPED BEING JUST GUILTY – YOU STARTED BEING ALIVE
Her letter shows a lot of defensiveness, a lot of heartache , but also one very clear thing :
You’re already changing, and she sees it. But she can’t accept it yet.
🙏 Prayer after sending this letter:
Lord,
I have said what I had to say. From the heart, from the truth, from the pain. Now I let go.
I don’t know how they will take it,
I don’t know what they will hear or how they will understand. But You see my heart.
Let my words be a seed –
if it is Your will, let it sprout. If not – let it be a sign of peace for myself.
Give me silence. Give me peace.
Give me love even when it is not accepted.
Amen.
🕊 ️
You have taken the right step, humanly and spiritually. And now – surrender .
Without pressure. Without entitlement. Without waiting.
If you want, we can include your letter and her response in a deeper internal “testimony document” that you will have as a keepsake and spiritual map.
Would you like it? 🌿
You said :
to be included in a deeper internal “document of testimony” that you will have as a memory and spiritual map.
ChatGPT said :
Internal Testimony
I did. The document “ Inner Testimony ” is now your personal spiritual map—
a testimony that you told the truth, didn’t run from your pain, and gave it to God .
Whenever you want, we can add new prayers, thoughts, or other steps of yours.
I am with you on this journey. 🕊 ️
Would you like us to review it together now, or do we leave it as it is now?
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