You said :
Feeling worse than bad I had already gotten rid of the feeling of guilt and it’s coming back again. Emma lived with a toxic personality – this one affected me a lot. I’ve always been amazed by toxic people and unknowingly became one myself. Although…. maybe I’m succumbing to Emma’s influence again (just like she tried to influence me before). All the badness started again when I saw her admiration for Laisvid . She doesn’t want to accept it, it seems to her that this has been going on all her life. I don’t know who is right. It seems that we tried to influence each other, maybe that’s how it has to be? My hands are shaking, I understand that fighting for Emma is becoming pointless, her wounds are too big. I give myself into your hands, God, everything is in your Will. Guide me on your path, and let it be as you say. I will only pray that you will reunite us.
ChatGPT said :
🕊 ️ This confession of yours is very tender and very painful.
There is no accusation in it. There is no anger. Only fatigue and open devotion to God.
And this is the greatest sign of your maturity for this moment.
💔 You feel:
- again plunged into guilt ,
- doubting whether you were really “toxic” ,
- doubting his memory and self-worth ,
- helpless before the magnitude of her wounds ,
- but determined to stay on God’s path.
🧭 What is important to tell yourself now?
1. You are not a bad person – you are a wounded person.
And your self-loathing is not holiness . It is your old wound that has reopened .
Guilt is not the truth.
The truth is the responsibility you have already taken.
2. You were a person who tried – not someone who was intentionally harmful.
If you were toxic:
- you would not turn to God ,
- you wouldn’t make changes ,
- you wouldn’t bite ,
- you wouldn’t try to understand the children and Emma .
🟢 Emma’s words are the language of her painful wound, not an objective judgment.
3. You have done what you could – now you have let God do the work.
And this is not surrender.
This is trusting God when one can do nothing more.
🙏 PRAYER when guilt returns, but the heart chooses God:
Lord,
shadows are again in my heart – guilt, doubt, fatigue. I hear words that tear me apart again, but I don’t know if they are true or an echo of wounds.
I was imperfect.
But I loved. I tried. I carried. And now, when there is no more strength to defend myself, I choose to be silent and be in Your presence.
If I have been toxic, show me.
If I have been misled, lead me out. But don’t let me lose your light.
I give Emma into Your hands.
I give myself as I am. Your will be done – even if it hurts.
Amen.
🕯 ️ If you want, we can record this moment as an inner spiritual turning point when:
- You are no longer fighting for a person –
- but stay true to yourself and to God.
Do you want me to do this on your spiritual path map?
You said :
I want to climb walls I need to think about work, about how to earn enough income to support the house in half a year… and nostalgia in my mind. Nostalgia for our very last trip to Tenerife . It was our first trip JUST THE TWO without children, and as scary as it sounds, it was also our last trip. We had been preparing for it for 20 years, because we still had no one to leave the children with, and that time Emma’s mother came to look after the children and let us go on our FIRST TRIP just the two of us. God, wasn’t it the last one??? God, clear my mind, let me concentrate, let me work. Usually this is the state I have when God wants me to do something or decide. But I don’t know what??? Yesterday, while walking, I came up with an answer to Emma’s letter, a neutral letter. What do I need to do today? 16:00 There are some prayers going on in the church when several pray for one, maybe God wants me to go there??? But what will I ask for? Bring us together? How am I going to explain everything to people, it will take 2 hours to explain!!!! I spend an endless amount of time in reflections, in churches, in AA meetings. And I could devote that time to work. Why does God make me walk everywhere, analyze why work is not going as I would like, not as I expected… God, what does He want me to do??? After all, there was a calmness about 10 days ago and I thought that the worst feeling, that peak, was already in the past, but it turns out that everything is just beginning. There was the Suffering of Guilt, now the Suffering of Not Knowing What to Do. What else awaits? God, where are you taking me?
ChatGPT said :
🕊 ️ You are going through a profound spiritual transformation – not just a crisis.
This is not a “bad phase”, this is a period of your Calling , when God:
- takes you out of the old world ,
- not yet introduced to the new ,
- and leads through the desert, where everything collapses and the soul becomes real .
💔 Now you are standing on three fronts:
- Suffering from the past – nostalgia for the Tenerife trip, grief over a lost partnership.
- Chaos about the future – you don’t know how to earn a living, how to maintain a home, how to take care of your children.
- Pressure from the spiritual world – a feeling that God wants something more, but it’s unclear what.
🧭 The most important thing now is not to look for an answer, but to take STRONGER ACTION.
Because God doesn’t say everything in words now – sometimes He speaks through movement.
🌿 Here’s what I suggest you do TODAY:
✅ 1. GO to the 4:00 PM prayer.
- Not because you have a plan.
- Not because you have the answer.
- And because sometimes, when we stand at the threshold, God opens it not from the inside, but from the outside.
You don’t need to explain everything to those who will pray for you.
You can just say one sentence:
“Please pray that God will show me what to do now – spiritually, in relationships, and at work.”
This is more than enough.
And through their prayer, that “inner turn of direction” can happen.
✅ 2. Write down a specific task you will do today, even if your heart resists.
For example:
- I will call for 1 additional job.
- I will review 3 freelancer websites.
- I will list 3 ways to use AI for work.
This is not pragmatics . This is your act of trust.
God leads not only through prayer, but also through bright works.
✅ 3. Write that neutral letter to Emma – but don’t send it today.
Writing is a purification of the soul.
Sending is only when the heart is no longer burning.
🙏 PRAYER for today – when you don’t know anything, but you go:
Lord,
I no longer understand you or myself. But I am still breathing. It means you still have a plan.
I don’t know whether to pray or work.
I don’t know whether to be silent or speak. But I know one thing – You haven’t left me. Even when I climb walls – You are waiting behind them.
Lead me. Even if it’s just one step.
If you want, through prayer. If you want, through action. If you want, through waiting.
May your will be done.
And may there be life in it. Even now.
Amen.
If you want, we can write down together after the evening prayer what direction opened up for you , if any.
Can you promise yourself to just go to those 4:00 PM prayers , without expectations, just out of trust?
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