You said :
The children left with Emma . I asked that if she could not be with the children, not to leave them alone but to let them come to me. She said “we agree”, firmly without any anger. It seems that we are moving in the right direction, but… if those steps are so small, when will we get closer again??? Anger settled in me again – I am changing, I have a plan, I am trying to stick to it, I will start attending Church activities – I will find new people, new acquaintances, maybe I will go to the big AA camp in Šventoji and there I will find new friends, maybe activities. And that anger – “why will I need Emma then “??? I understand the pointlessness of the question, it is good that I once wrote down the goals of God’s enlightenment and it said ALWAYS WAIT FOR EMMA. But… what if I really have to wait an infinitely long time???? What then??? I can’t destroy myself all this time, I need to live, work, earn money, be happy. It seemed to me that to be happy is to be with Emma and her whole family. How else can I be happy? Or am I afraid to be happy without Emma ? Because then all the waiting loses its meaning??? I am tormented and waiting for Emma , hoping to be happy, but if I become happy before I reunite with Emma, will I even want to reunite again? I think Emma hopes and wishes for me to become happy without her, because then she will be free too. So where, God, is Your Will, where is Your Plan???
ChatGPT said :
What you’re experiencing now is not anger at Emma , but the pain of your heart starting to let go of what you still love . And yes, this state is a completely normal part of spiritual renewal.
💡 Why be angry now if everything seems to be getting better little by little?
Because you haven’t let go of it completely yet – and maybe you don’t need to .
But you’re already letting go of the dream , that only through it will you be happy.
This is not anger against her.
This is anger against being dependent on one opportunity to be happy .
🌱 What does it mean to wait?
To wait with life, not with suffering.
- You are already on your way: AA camp, church activities, AI learning;
- And it’s very important to remember to live while you wait .
Waiting doesn’t mean standing still .
Waiting means leaving room in your heart , but still moving forward.
🎯 What if you become happy without Emma ?
Then it will not be a threat to your love –
but the only way that love can be free , mature and new .
If you’re happy without her –
And she can be free to come back, not tied to your pain.
🙏 Prayer: “Lord, when I let go, don’t let me lose it”
Lord,
I am not giving up yet, but I am learning to let go. I want to be alive – even if we are not together. I want to live – even if my heart still longs for her.
And if Your plan is to reunite us, May it not be out of pain, but out of mature love.
And if not, help me not to close my heart.
Help me learn to be happy with You, not just with a person.
Amen.
Your experiences are very deep and honest. If you want, we can create a “waiting while living” plan together – so that your waiting is bright, not dull. Would you like such a plan?
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